In this age of technology and social media, I think it’s great that we can share stories and connect at lightning speed with each other, but it lacks insight into a large portion of my life that you would never know unless I told you. On social media, people tend to share only the good things because it’s hard to be vulnerable and talk about the struggles you go through. I’ve always tried to focus on the positive things in life and be thankful for those rather than dwell on the negative. The reality is, we all go through tough times and we seek to find others who can relate. So, I’m sharing this now in hopes that anyone else who experiences pregnancy loss or something similar to my situation, will be comfortable talking about it and not feel alone.
I’ve typed and retyped this section so many times! It’s hard to figure out the right words to say and how to begin. I’m going to answer several questions that I’ve gotten throughout my pregnancy and break them down by trimester to be a helpful resource. To give you some background, I’ll start with these:
Did you get pregnant on your first try? / How long did it take for you guys to get pregnant?
This actually is not our first pregnancy. We first got pregnant when we were not trying, last October (when this photo was taken and we were expecting a baby in June 2020). It’s a little easier for me to talk about now, but at the time it was the worst heartache and sadness I had ever felt in my life. When we first found out we were pregnant, we were surprised. Matt was speechless when I told him. We were both extremely happy but a little hesitant if this was even possible for me at the time because I had a blood clot and had been taking a blood thinner. Long story short, we were having conversations about having surgery that December to remove the blockage of the clot and then we could try to start a family after that. Thankfully, I don’t have a blood disorder, there is only one spot in my body that has a partial seclusion in my vein, making it a structural issue in the one location rather than something that could appear anywhere and require me to monitor my blood levels for. A million questions were running through our minds. Was this ok that we were pregnant? What would I need to do differently now to keep the baby healthy since you can’t take a blood thinner pill while pregnant?
After discussing with my doctor, I learned that I should be ok to healthily carry a baby while having my blood clot, I would just have to switch from taking the blood thinner I was taking once a day and instead give myself an injection of the blood thinner in my stomach twice a day so that it would not pass through the placenta and affect the baby. So that’s what I did. Absolutely dreaded it, but I would have done anything I had to. I’m going to skip the details and just get right to it, several weeks later I started to experience the warning signs and we initially thought we were miscarrying. That alone was heartbreaking and an awful feeling. I knew this was not uncommon and a lot of women experienced it, but I couldn’t understand why it was happening. I felt like there was something wrong with me and had already dreamt up so many ideas of starting our family, thinking of baby names, nursery ideas, the countdown until our June baby.
Well, we eventually came to find out that the fertilized egg implanted in my Fallopian tube rather than my uterus like it is supposed to. Meaning that my Fallopian tube had ruptured causing the bleeding, and I had to be rushed in for surgery to remove the tube. There was nothing they could do to save it. I didn’t really have an option on the surgery because it’s life threatening and they had to go in, remove the tube, and stop my bleeding. It’s a terrible helpless feeling and, again, I wondered why this was happening in my body. What was wrong with me? After surgery, the doctor told us that there was quite a bit of endometriosis on my right side and what she believes caused the egg to get stuck in my tube. She was able to clear that out and said my left side looked perfectly clear. That was great news, but also concerning to only have one Fallopian tube left to support getting pregnant in the future when we are made to have two. The exact cause of endometriosis isn’t known, but it has something to do with your menstrual cycle. Don’t let this scare you, my case is very unique. It affects only 10% of women so it’s highly unlikely you would experience it, but if you do you’re not alone! My personal belief is that I probably developed inflammation through my cycles over time and the blood thinner I had to take made it worse. There’s not enough cases like mine out there for them to confirm any studies on that, it’s just what I think makes the most sense.
This is why I’m sensitive when it comes to pregnancy to say things like, “our bodies are made for this” because, unfortunately, not all women’s bodies are and it can be very frustrating. Instead I try to say things like, “it’s amazing what your body can do!” It is incredible how my body has adapted and created other small capillaries to transport my blood basically going around the clot and keeping me from having to have surgery, at least for the foreseeable future.
Heartache and loss like this isn’t easy for anyone. I know there are many women out there who experience miscarriage or struggle trying to get pregnant or go through multiple rounds of IVF. Now after experiencing it first hand, people who go through this are always in my prayers. I turned straight to God and spent a lot of time reading the Bible trying to remember that He already has a plan mapped out for us, the importance of pain and hardships, and get my mind right to be hopeful in our ability to get pregnant again in the future.
Matt was also the best supporter during this time. When I mentioned above how I questioned what was wrong with me, I also hated the fact that this felt like 100% my fault. What if I would never be able to carry a child for us. I’ve always thought Matt would be the best Dad and it would devastate me if I were never able to give him that. The way he talked about it though was the best way to support me. He referred to everything as “us” or “we” instead of “Maddie”. He never made me feel like this was my issue to experience and deal with alone. He never made me feel like it was my fault, just a battle we had to overcome together and he remained positive that we would be able to get pregnant again.
Surprisingly, a couple months later, the first time we tried, we did! It felt like such a God-wink moment because we determined that we conceived Christmas Eve/Christmas Day and our baby’s due date is my Grandpa’s birthday, September 16th! Six days after Matt’s birthday, September 10th. After we got married and we first talked about kids, I told Matt I wanted to have a September baby so they would be like him and have his personality. Haha 🙂 nobody is perfect, but he is a perfect match for me! He is incredibly patient, he’s confident and strong willed but compromises, he’s loyal, and he never takes anything too seriously. I can be in a terrible mood and he will be his goofy self and make me laugh. Even when I’m mad at him! Anyway, I look back on what we went through and even though I will never understand why those things happen, I can be at peace trusting in God’s plan and timing and know that Matt and I are stronger because of it.
If you have experienced or are currently experiencing something like this, know you are not alone. I’m always here to listen and sympathize with you. All I can say is to continue praying, seek advice from your doctor, and try to stay positive. We aren’t the ones in control, but in every battle, we have to keep faith!
I will continue in the next post, “Baby Steps: 38 Week Pregnancy Update” to share more about our current pregnancy. It felt appropriate to have a post completed focused on our first loss and a separate one dedicated to our experience with Baby Brooks.
Lots of love,
Maddie
